stuff mothraa posted

vicodin poems from about a year ago

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 04:06:13 GMT

9-14-08

force fields and storm surges
geometry of
what you are looking at
geometry of the
Thing At Hand
geometry of
Where Things Go

far away from the storms
analyzing abstractly
geometry of the line and loves and everythings there
pieces of data in the here and far away

9-23-08

mourning someone who maybe hated me
not tearing-hair tears and profound (pounding?) mourning
just a wishful sad wisp of might have been
for someone who was caught up in a huge cultural misunderstanding.
does their ghost hate me?
i didn't mean anything mean at all
i meant sharing and good will
but in another culture
it was twisted into something very scary.

---
[for youknowwho]
always for you
love whispering just outside the window
soft night winds bring tiny hearts and stars and flowers
tiny tiny glittering things
things and emotions distilled into crystals
like snow or emeralds
swirling patterns against the glass
trying to get in
all you have to do is
open the window
and all the love will flow to you.

---

probability in atoms
where'd that electron go

probability in life
where'd that love go

probability in the universe
where did that is go

---

electrons and galaxies
spinning on the chalk marks on the floor
dancing the elegant
circular elliptical curved patterns
around and back again

GMM^2
____
r^2

r being the distance they hold their love
M being the huge heavy heart
M^2 being the virtual sought after real heart
G being all your wishes and desires pushing and pulling
and where can it go and where will it end

[^2 because i can't do superscripts or subscripts in plain text, but r^2 means squared;
M2 is mass number 2 as opposed to M mass number 1]

---

9-24-08

lanes of mist
rain roads
roses pour over thresholds
petals and leaves straining to cover all surfaces
fill the rain air
rose lair
with soden lost thoughts

---

drifting on clouds and notes
tones and tendrils of mist
opulent dark valleys open beneath
filled with rivers and forsets
streams running to far away unknown places
blank spots of mystery or nothingness

---

drunk intruders/ and thanks to those who were kind to me

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 00:10:45 GMT

i have always believed in talking about things and trying to face things, rather than hide away and pretend things didn't happen. so i talk about a lot of things that make other people squirm. i don't mean to cause discomfort and embarrassment. i just want to say the truth as i know it.
i have found that when i do mention things like death, finances, politics, love, sex, substance abuse, rape, murder, physical medical problems, mental illness, legal problems, family issues, any thing like those or others, i find people who have problems that deeply disturb them and they have been afraid to mention anything and they tend to be isolated and think they are alone in their problems. actually it turns out many people are going through the same things, and if they talk, informally or in self help groups or even reading books or magazines, they can find comfort and other perspectives and can possibly deal with or overcome the problems.
so that said, i'll tell about a rather stupid thing that happened to me. it was basically a drunken mistake, but it brought up demons and still isn't resolved, in my personal life.
a few nights ago, someone who is a friend of one of my roommates and was staying at my house temporarily, got so drunk they blacked out and didn't know what they were doing and didn't remember anything the next day. that i think is dangerous enough in itself. when you don't know what you are doing and can't remember what you did, you could get into all sorts of horrible dangerous situations. for example, leaving an oven on or leaving candles by a curtain and setting a house on fire, driving a car and causing an accident that kills people, doing things that can deeply embarrass you and deeply offend or hurt friends or family or strangers. and so on. i am not just a crazy person ranting, you can check the news for stories like these that really happened.
i was sound asleep in my bed, in my house, with my door closed, and in the middle of the night, someone reeking of alcohol got into my bed, fumbled under the covers and was stroking and pawing me, while humping against me. i pushed them away and told them to stop it, and i looked and discovered the person was this visitor/crasher at my house. not anyone i am attracted to, not anyone i flirted with, certainly not anyone i would ever want in my bed. i kicked him out of my room, and i kicked him out of my house. i also felt so grossed out and violated and unclean i took a shower and washed the sheets. i suppose i shouldn't have, if i want to have "evidence" but all in all i thought it was a stupid occurrence, not something to involve the police in.
however, i really expected my friends, who were also friends of the intruder, to at least show me some solidarity and sympathy, stand up for my honor as it were, and also tell the guy he did something bad; he was wrong in getting so drunk he blacked out and he was wrong to get into my bed and molest me. sure, i know 20something guys might laugh and hoot about the situation (i am 60 and hardly an attractive babe) but i was hoping beyond the guffaws they could also tell him he did a bad thing, and understand why i might possibly be even a tiny bit perturbed. instead i got angry remarks about my overreacting and that i was wrong in kicking the guy out.
i can understand the humor in the situation and i myself have laughed at "musical bed" comedies , like the funny story of the people at the inn ending up in the wrong beds in the _decameron_, but i also think that getting so drunk you don't know what you are doing is a serious scary symptom of something wrong. so i think his friends could at least warn him that's bad and dangerous, suggest he get help for his drinking problem, and point out that most people don't really appreciate random persons in their beds; instead of just making it a big joke.
a little background - the guy is from out of town and was staying at my house at my roommate's invitation, but also staying other nights at other places, so i really don't think he's going to die of exposure out in the night (plus it isn't freezing out).
and my background is similar to pretty much anyone who is in a female body - if you ask most women, they can give you a long long list of abuse, being grabbed, groped and molested while innocently walking down the street or trying to work at a desk or assembly line or riding the bus; or even attacked, raped and seriously injured while minding their own business in their own home, in their own bed, with the doors locked. and being forced or coerced by their lovers/boyfriends/husband (or brothers, uncles, fathers, bosses, religious leaders...) into sexual acts, or being "taken advantage of" while they are unconscious, seriously ill, drugged or drunk, or in a wheel chair or on crutches and unable to run away fast enough. i myself have suffered from coercion, "date rape" meaning it wasn't a stranger with a knife jumping from the bushes, but somebody i wanted nothing to do with, maybe didn't know their name, but had the misfortune to be at a party when my friends disappeared somewhere, being "taken advantage of" when i couldn't fight back, and being chased down the street by some asshole with a gun at 10am near a shopping mall, and numerous grabs and gropes and insults and threats on the street in the daytime, on my way to school or work or the store. so i am very angry, filled with white hot rage might be a closer description, and each incident is another straw adding up. so even a joke haha drunk groping me is something i do not take lightly. i am so sick and tired of all the abuse and insult and threats and unbelievable disrespect anyone who doesn't have The Power are subjected to, all over the world, through most of history, i can go on on a longer rant about a lot more, but to stick to the current topic i'll stop.
i am deeply disappointed in my so-called friends who found fault with me for kicking the guy out of the house instead of telling him he did wrong and standing up for me.
and i'll tell everybody about this, because i think a lot of people might have the misfortune to find themselves in similar situations.
and i want to say to you all, if you have that misfortune: stick to your guns. stand up for your rights. your feelings are valid. you have a right to feel safe in your own home. you have a right to expect some solidarity and sympathy from your friends. the people you stand up for should stand up for you.
-----
my heartfelt thanks go out to those who have given me support. you all rock.
love
wendy

----
in my haste i forgot this part:
doing something that wrecks things, hurts people/animals/plants or worse while you are so out of it you don't know what you are doing, or you can't remember a thing, does not absolve you from responsibility.
sure, there can sometimes be some extenuating circumstances (you are mentally ill with extremely dangerous hallucinations, or you were drugged and hypnotized or forced by spies or space aliens, for example), but generally, if you are so drunk by your own doing and commit harmful acts, you are responsible for the consequences. you owe apologies, you might owe restitution, community service, prison time or more. if you lose a friend or a job or a home or a leg or other things because of your drunken shenanigans, it is your fault; and not remembering is no excuse. not remembering is a signal you need to get help and clean up your act. all of us are responsible for our actions.

i don't hate the guy who got in my bed, i think he needs help with his drinking problem. i don't hate my "friends" who scoffed, i think they need their consciousnesses raised. none of them are evil, they are young and need to learn more to get up to speed with the adult population and they have a lot of potential to do great things once they get focused. they are products of their culture and upbringing and need to overcome that.

i'm posting this on my blogs at
http://mothraa.livejournal.com/
and
http://blogs.myspace.com/mothraa
and
http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=301588890461&ref=mf

and please, if you have any related things, urls, books, articles, web sites, etc. you'd like me to post, i will.
ekelana (at) gmail.com
there's plenty on the web about disrespect for those in female bodies (& child or animal bodies) and about substance abuse, and wanton violence, but it can't hurt to point them out and maybe get some people to think about it and change their own ways and be advocates for change. pressure your unenlightened friends/family/acquaintances!
damn!

guilt trip

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 23:08:29 GMT

if someone you barely know (and you are _not_ attracted to) and is just visiting your house, gets into your bed while you are asleep and gropes you in a seemingly sexual manner, and you wake up and kick them out, should you feel guilty if you don't want to be around that person? should you feel bad that because you got upset, you "made them feel bad"? and since the person was drunk and didn't know what they were doing, is that their excuse that totally absolves them? should you just take it as a big joke? what if you feel so grossed out it isn't a joke to you even if other people are laughing, and you feel so embarrassed and disgusted you want to take a bath in chlorox?

listening

Tue, 15 Sep 2009 17:29:17 GMT

if people stopped and listened more often to what trees say
it would be a better world

getting something done

Thu, 06 Aug 2009 23:57:09 GMT

getting something done
in the real time
in the day time, the now time
while the dreamtime flows on the side
if you knew what the sides were

struggling every day to do a task
and feel efficient
while kozmik ideas lurk in elsewhen and otherwhere
maybe wishing they could jump out at you
maybe not
maybe they're busy with other things

waking up each day exhausted, depressed
wanting to accomplish at least a few things
to feel validated, to feel useful, to have meaning
while out in the universe
pulsars spin, stars go nova
and in the dreamtime spirits float
mist changes shape
spirals of dots turn and dance

buddy the cat died yesterday :-(

Thu, 30 Jul 2009 20:46:03 GMT

i just wrote some emails and since i'm sad I’m just copyandpasting.

We have had my roommate Juan's sister Ada's cat Buddy staying with us
for almost two years, and he died yesterday. He was fine in the
morning, and then in the evening I found him lying there stiff and
dead. It was quite a shock. I found out later Ben, Ada's boyfriend,
said Buddy seemed kind of lethargic around 2pm. I saw Buddy around
5pm and he seemed normal, and then I was reading and then went
downstairs at 9pm and he was dead. We figured he was poisoned, but
don't know by what. He had gone outside for a while in the morning
and might have eaten something, but we have no idea. Last year he got
poisoned by antifreeze, and the people at the vet's office thought it
was intentional, that someone in the neighborhood was poisoning cats.
After that we haven't let the cats out as often (I have 3 cats of my
own,too), but they love it outside so much we relent sometimes. The
other cats are fine.
So we tried to get a hold of Ada and she came over around midnight
and we had a funeral, and wrapped Buddy in some nice green paisley
cloth and put a new shiny collar on him that Ada had bought recently,
and buried him with a new fish toy Ada had also recently bought. It
was very emotional and we didn't get to sleep until 1 or 2 am. I'm
pretty out of it today, and just depressed. Buddy was a sweet nice
cat, and I really feel sorry for Ada.
Buddy is buried next to two other cats, Stella, my beloved
kitty who died last fall, and Pepper an old old cat we adopted and he
died in the 1990s. It's a flower and herb bed and last night it
smelled like the peppermint and cilantro we were standing on. Buddy
had some behavioral issues, like he kept peeing on the floor every
day, but despite it all he was so sweet and affectionate. He loved
drinking out of the water faucet and yesterday morning I turned on the
water for him and he licked my hand and it made my heart melt, he did
things like that a lot, just nice little affectionate touches. Also,
he'd put his paws around your neck when you picked him up, a nice hug.
i looked on the web about things that can poison pets, and it was
boggling--not just rat poison and antifreeze and all but a lot of
foods we eat, medicines, plants, household cleaners, eeek.
i think it was probably an accident, and maybe his system was
weakened from being poisoned before. i don't know. :-(

crowns

Fri, 24 Jul 2009 14:35:48 GMT

I saw these crowns on sale. They were in a big cardboard bin, that really thick corrugated cardboard. Not the kind you can just bend easily in your hands. Maybe the crowns came in that box. They came from far away; had a perilous journey to get here to our town so they can sit in a box for me to pick one out. They might have been put in a different box, though. It could have been for furniture or something, like maybe it was a refrigerator box cut in half. It was pretty big, and there were a lot of crowns. Just tossed in there like potatoes or something. You could tell they used to be shiny, and now all covered with fingerprints and tarnish. But they are good quality crowns, not made in sweatshops, made by artisans. And made out of real gold, too, not those foil covered cardboard things. Thinner cardboard than the box, of course. Not corrugated either. Your thin back-of-a cheap-notebook cardboard. Not that I'm a snob. That's the only kind of notebooks I buy, cheap ones. Now, these crowns aren't cheap. They are a reasonable fair price for a quality item. I can leave this crown in my will and it will be a family heirloom for generations and eventually be an archaeological artifact sitting on display in a museum thousands of miles away, in a country where crowns are unknown and even the concept not understood. But I understand the concepts of my culture as regards to crowns, and I revel in it. I could roll in those concepts, naked on the bed, rolling around like the woman in _McTeague_ who rolls in her money. Well, thinking further, no, really I wouldn't roll in these concepts. But this crown now. I really like it. It fits perfectly, has a nice weight, all of that. So I'm glad I found this store and this bin on this day. It's not every day you can just go out and find a good crown.

klaus nomi!

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 17:55:13 GMT

iran election

Fri, 19 Jun 2009 13:45:04 GMT

the junk filled closets of cyberspace

Fri, 12 Jun 2009 22:31:46 GMT

here's one of mine
http://wendymukluk.com/mukluk/amusing/

a sad day

Thu, 28 May 2009 13:00:20 GMT

goodbye ripley the cat
you will be sorely missed

http://ripley-the-cat.livejournal.com/

in my dream house

Tue, 19 May 2009 20:19:58 GMT

the crazy old granny in suzy's house
up on the balcony watching the proceedings
scary
old
wise
unknowable
mysterious
cantankerous
that's how i'll be in my dream house

Stop HR 875- misguided "food safety" act!

Tue, 12 May 2009 15:33:13 GMT

HR 875,the Food Safety Modernization Act of 2009 is overly broad and vague
and a threat to small farmers, organic food,
even people who grow vegetables in their back yard or pick berries in the woods!

help fight!

contact your congresspeople
http://www.house.gov/zip/ZIP2Rep.html

sign petitions:
http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/Food-farms-seeds-HR875

http://www.leavemyfoodalone.org/Default.aspx

http://salsa.democracyinaction.org/o/568/t/1128/campaign.jsp?campaign_KEY=26714

read more about it
the text of the bill:
http://delauro.house.gov/files/HR875_Full_Text.pdf

online articles:
http://janeqrepublican.wordpress.com/2009/04/24/fight-the-food-safety-modernization-act-hr-875/

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=food-rules-hurt-organic

http://www.opednews.com/articles/Monsanto-s-dream-bill-HR-by-Linn-Cohen-Cole-090309-337.html

may day on the web

Fri, 01 May 2009 17:13:28 GMT

i have a dream i am a man

Sun, 05 Apr 2009 00:43:52 GMT

outskirts of hell

Sat, 28 Mar 2009 18:27:28 GMT

the air presses and stings and it is so hard to move around; the air is so thick.
a painful cold steel clamp is on my brain, sucking out all shreds of warmth and good,
trying to suck out and erase my soul.
doom and fear stalk me, like the creepy crawly feeling horror movies give but more real, far more real, far more ugly, far more violent.
the roiling clouds of despair and destruction fill the sky, fill everything,
all is lost and sad and hopeless and empty.

OUTDOOR Raising a Crane in a Day

Fri, 27 Mar 2009 19:34:00 GMT

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CCb879oJ36U

per-kin-up

Thu, 26 Mar 2009 21:22:49 GMT

so here i have

hugs and nice talk with juan
snuggle and purrs from jayne
lindt white chocolate with coconut bar
gin n tonic
vicodin
clonazepam
cuts healing
nice comfy bed in my room (MY room finally after 25 years) with pictures and items and books to look at, instead of plain gray walls,
and kitties sleeping on the bed
birds and trees and clouds out the window, rain, sun, shoots coming up outside,
tulips and crocus and daffodils and lilies and weeds
thinking of my accomplishments instead of failures
getting a whole bunch of seeds in the mail from joseph -nasturtiums and bachelor's buttons and cilantro and squash - hope for the spring and summer, life going on.
inspiration from a book about m.c. escher to get some linoluem and make prints
reading the onion -courageous pickles holding jar shut from inside

well i hope it lasts

next morning; pictures from last year

Thu, 26 Mar 2009 15:23:09 GMT

vicodin poesydoggerlorama of march 24 2009.

Wed, 25 Mar 2009 01:17:09 GMT

hurtling towards april fool's day without a joke planned.

---

what do i want
comfort and friendship and companionship
solidarity
but you can't trust anyone
we are each all alone in the world
the only thing there is is oneself
in the morality plays of old, people, beauty, possessions, status,
all fall by the wayside
the only thing left with you is your deeds
what you did and what you thought and what you stood up for, what you upheld
that's all
we are alone in the cosmos
we can't turn to anyone
no one can save us
no gods, no lovers, no parents, no religion or government
only oneself
you are responsible for yourself
and no one else, not even a god, can save you
you have to do it all by yourself
you have to be born and die alone
no stand-ins.

---
if i didn't have drugs there'd be nothing
love from friends or kitties-
they can't always be there when you need them
cutting and your own blood?
what if you can't find a razor or glass to break?
prayer/meditation/art/philosophy/housekeeping/charity/work/school/volunteer work/sports/socializing/....
don't make me laugh
the brain works chemically and electrically.
all we "know" and "sense" are constructs in our brain based on chemical and electrical stimuli
drugs change that
"knowing" and "reality"
drugs save me and keep me in this only life i have,
who knows if there is anything else
so stick it out here and now
shore up with drugs, prescription, street, over the counter, herbal,
"socially acceptable", illegal, food, light, exercise, seritonins, pheromones,
but drugs, chemicals, brain chemistry
life is chemical and electic and magnetic
better living through chemistry.

fuck it all
see you in hell

seasonal mood disorder

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 13:30:45 GMT

emptiness, doom, despair, hopelessness, worthlessness, fear, sadness, no future, no nothing, death

depressing doldrums doggerel

Fri, 06 Mar 2009 22:54:10 GMT

on a treadmill going nowhere
all i do is mark time

i feel like krap - i take vicodin to stop the pain
drink gin to not care
take clonazepam to sleep

exist

wake up go to work come home sleep (or try to)
wake up try to do some household thing sleep (or try to)

creeping along through the gray days
my pointless life
unfolding before me and rolling up behind me
wasting time
being a blight on the universe (very very tiny blight)
not using the gift of life
not doing anything

existing another day
hurry sundown
dread the morning

wendy mukluk web site back online

Thu, 19 Feb 2009 16:30:11 GMT

my new site:
http://wendymukluk.com
same old files
new location
:-)

no more mukluk at astro pages

Fri, 06 Feb 2009 14:54:27 GMT

tuesday somebody anonymously complained about my web site ( www. astro. wisc. edu/~mukluk ) to the university and my whole web site and my ftp folder were taken down. i don't know what the complaint was about. so... i am going to set a new site somewhere else in the next few days and i'll post the link when i have it.

An apology for our 2001-2008 interruption in service

Fri, 23 Jan 2009 16:29:10 GMT

Dear World:

We, the United States of America , your top quality supplier of the ideals of liberty and democracy, would like to apologize for our 2001-2008 interruption in service. The technical fault that led to this eight-year service outage has been located, and the software responsible was replaced November 4. Early tests of the newly installed program indicate that we are now operating correctly, and we expect it to be fully functional on January 20. We apologize for any inconvenience caused by the outage. We look forward to resuming full service and hope to improve in years to come. We thank you for your patience and understanding,

Sincerely,

THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA